Tuesday, September 4, 2007

A Tad Bit Anxious

Was going to post yesterday, but when I sat down I sorta freaked out a little bit and had to walk away.

The man went for another CT scan today. If all goes well, we'll find out early next week when he starts his cancer treatments and what all that will entail. We already know a little bit about what to expect, but the final decisions still depend on how large the prostate is and what this latest CT tells them. I'm trying to act all normal and everything, and I know how treatable prostate cancer is now days, but it still freaks me out sometimes. The doctors all say that it was caught in the 'early stages' and there's "nothing to worry about' but then again, when he went in for his physical and they found his numbers 'slightly elevated' they told us that it wasn't anything to worry about, that the numbers weren't 'high enough to even think cancer', we'll just do a biopsy as a 'precaution'. And, low and behold!, they found cancer. How can I believe anything they tell me, now? Are they telling us the truth? Or are they just sugar-coating it? I don't know.

I'm down a pant size and my bras are getting looser. But it's hard to get excited about anything right now. It feels like everything in my life is 'on hold'. I'm just sitting here waiting to find out if my man is going to live or die. That sounds harsh, but what else can I say? He's a hateful, hurtful, mean-spirited, crab-souled, miserable old asshole and I seem to stay plenty mad at him most of the time, but he's my hateful, etc. etc. asshole, and I love him. Whether I want to or not. I'd miss him if he wasn't here.

And I'm all up-set about going to the dentist tomorrow. Not about the dentist, exactly. I'm actually kinda excited about seeing him and finding out what we can do to make it possible for me to smile nicely again before I die. I'm super nervous about driving that stupid van that always seems to act up when I'm driving. I hate, hate, hate it! Just once in my life I'd like to have a vehicle that I wasn't scared to death to drive.

I've been so up-set, anxious, and nervous that I've been sick all day long. I mean, to the point of throwing up. I wish to God that I wasn't such a whimp.

Anyway... that's pretty much what's going on in my world. What's going on in yours?

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