Thoughts on Nagano-San

Was chatting over at Konpira's fabulous site today, and someone, (you know who you are) said that she was "a little old for Nagano-san". And it got me to thinking... (honestly, I do that sometimes) I'm "a little old" for Nagano-san, or rather, he's a little too young for me, or ought to be. I've never, ever, ever been attracted to younger men. Heck, I'm only now getting old enough that men my age are attractive to me. I just don't like boys. Not that way, anyway, never have. I don't mean I can't recognize a handsome young man when I see one, they just don't tempt me. Really, I can't think of one single guy who was younger than me that I ever wanted to take a tumble with.

So, I was thinking about why Nagano-san is so attractive to me. It's true that I do find him quite beautiful, but that wasn't what first caught my eye. The very first thing that made me want to take a closer look at him was the way he moved. His grace and agility, his strength and power were what first captured my attention. I remember thinking at the time that the way he moved was so unique, so lovely. He is smooth as silk when he moves, almost elegant. The way he uses his powerful muscles is, is... well it isn't obnoxious. He doesn't flaunt his power, it just is.

Then I started actually watching the show [Sasuke, Ninja Warrior] and saw more of him. I realized that his face was indeed as attractive as his body. Seldom do you see a person so well proportioned, so perfectly formed, so beautiful. When I look at him in a coldly logical light, I can see that he is aesthetically pleasing; his profile, the lines on his face when he smiles, the crinkles at the corners of his eyes; the hollow at the base of his neck, his collar bones; the curve of his muscular shoulder; the beautiful, bronze color of his skin... it all makes up a pleasing whole. When I look at him I always think of a bronze statue of an ancient God; all powerful, yet benevolent, with laughing eyes behind a stern demeanor. And when he smiles, in truth, it's very like a gift from the Gods. He has the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. And those lips, oh my God! He has such a sensuous mouth. Those lips were just made for being nibbled. I'm not kidding. I think I could spend hours just tasting those lips. Well, okay, not just his lips, but I could linger a long time there, for sure. Then there's those shoulders... I would just love to trace my fingertips across his shoulders, down his arms to the palms of his hands. Don't even get me started on his chest or his abs (which definitely need nibbling as much as his lips do). I am not going to get x-rated, here.

But after saying all that, that's still not all of what makes him so very attractive to me. I have seen other men whom I found attractive, men who have tempted me. But none of them ever affected me the way Nagano-san has. No other man has ever inspired me to get back into shape, to seriously work at becoming a healthier person, a happier person. No other man has ever helped me the way Nagano-san has, unaware of it tho he is. He is a heroic figure to me, though not intimidating. I think a big part of it is that he is someone I can feel respect for. He's a celebrity, it's true, a famous person, not just in his native country, but world over! But he still gets up and goes to work like a real man. And what a 'manly' job it is, too. Captain of a sea-going vessel, one of a small fleet of commercial fishing vessels. And he looks so competent. He looks like he is capable of changing a light bulb or a flat tire. He looks like a man who wouldn't stop to think twice about defending his lady's honor (yes, I mean, punching out some one's lights, if necessary). But he's not obnoxiously macho like some men are. He also seems like he could be understanding without being effeminate.

So, lets see... strong, graceful, beautiful, respectable, hard-working, competent, capable, sensitive, not obnoxiously macho, sexy. What else could a woman possibly want in a man? Of course, I could be completely wrong about him. I don't think so, but it's possible. I don't know him personally, nor do I know anyone who does. For all I know for certain, he could be a cold, mean, drunken lout. Well, okay, not drunken, given his physicality, but cold and mean? He could be. Given his smile, and the line of his jaw and the look in his eyes, I doubt it, sincerely, but I do not know. According to those who have supposedly met him, he is indeed, humble, sincere, hard-working, modest, determined, friendly, helpful, and so on and so forth. But the person we heard that from works for a company in who's interest it is to keep us enthralled with him. For all I know she could have made the whole thing up as she went along. I don't think she did, but I do not know.

My conclusions, after all my thinking and soul-searching? I don't know, specifically, what makes him so irresistibly attractive to me. He just is. It's the totality of him; his face, his form, what I know of his personality... He seems almost too good to be true. He must have some faults. Perhaps he snores loudly? Perhaps he has bad table manners? According to what we've heard he said about himself, he is no great intellect, but he can't be completely stupid if he captains a ship. And besides, no one would ever accuse me of being the smartest woman in the world, either, so why would I complain if he's not a rocket scientist? But he's short. I don't like short men! But I don't care. He's still sexy as hell and I'd still like to... whatever...

So... I guess my time spent thinking about and searching for a reason why I find myself so obsessed with Nagano-San, was not time well-spent. Or, at least, it wasn't very productive. Oh well, it was Sunday, and I didn't have anything better to do.

Lord! Being a girly-girl is hard work!

As part of this self-improvement project I've embarked upon, I decided that I would start wearing make-up again (something I have not done much of for the past 10 years or more). Unfortunately, hubby likes it, so I guess I'll have to keep it up, now. Used to be I could just brush my hair, at the most pull it back, get dressed and go. Now, I have to freekin' "get ready" when I want to go somewhere. Putting on make-up and "fixing" my hair takes ever so much time. And oh my, you should have seen me when I went to purchase that wretched make-up. It had been so long, I didn't even recognize most of it. I mean, jeez... and I always hated shopping for lipstick anyway. It never looks right on me, and it feels icky. Dang! What a pain in the posterior!

And speaking of posteriors, thank you Jeannie, for the link. I'm already incorporating some of those exercises into my daily routine. I think I'm going to try for the "Bikini Butt". My sister got a good laugh out of that one, too. I won't expect miracles, but anything is bound to help. I've never had enough derriere to fill out a pair of tight jeans. (Not that I wear tight jeans much anymore, but it would be nice to know I could if I wanted to.) Now, if they would just come up with an exercise that would shift some of my excess bosom down to my backside, that would be great. I would have no problem doing that one several times every day. It always seemed so unfair to me that my sister got all the back and I got all the front. Of course, she always thought it was unfair, too, just in the opposite direction.

Hubby caught me exercising today. It made me feel funny, but I didn't stop and he didn't hang around for long. It makes me really uncomfortable for him to see me exercising. Really, really uncomfortable. I always feel like he's laughing at me, or something. It totally ruins the whole effort for me. Usually when he catches me, I will quit immediately, but today I didn't. I just kept on going and eventually I worked thru it and found my rhythm again. I know he didn't mean anything by it, but it was annoying. I'm sure he just wanted to see what I was doing, since my workouts are now taking more time than they used to, but still... it's so aggravating when you get a good sweat going and then something interrupts you. It is for me, anyway. I always feel like I need to start all over again, or just quit for that session; like I didn't get any good at all out of what I did get done. It makes me feel... cheated somehow.

Also, drove the van yesterday and today and it seems fine. I can now call Monday and re-schedule my appointment with Dr. Loo (the dentist). So... I'm back on the road toward that goal, as well. I'm pretty happy about that. Don't know how long it will take, but I'm already looking forward to the time when I can flash every one my brand new, great big smile. In fact, I'm pretty sure that once it's done, I will have a hard time not smiling. At least for a long while. I can't wait. I'm looking forward to that more than ever a child looked forward to Christmas. It's so important to me.

On the home front: we almost had an argument yesterday. Almost. But I refused to snap back at him. I became very agreeable and pleasant until he realized he was arguing all alone. So he quit. He tried to pick it back up later, but I just kissed him and said, "I love you so much." and gave him a great big hug. So he shut up and kissed me back. He was not unpleasant today for even one minute. Maybe he forgot whatever it was he wanted to argue about. It wasn't very important, I can't even remember, myself, what he was upset about.

Watched the Debate Last Night

It was okay. Didn't really hear anything new. I think Bill Richardson made a better impression than heretofore; John Edwards is really starting to bug me; Joe Biden is one smart cookie, not to mention being cute as all get out (what a sexy smile he has!); Chris Dodd is pretty smart, too; Hillary is smarter; Obama has lost his gloss and is looking more like a smarter than average, average Joe; Kucinich has a good sense of humor; and Gravel has good points but he represents himself as such a crack-pot it would be impossible for anyone to take him seriously.

So, I'm still no closer to deciding whom I'm going to vote for in the primary. I'm closer to knowing whom I won't vote for, but I have to admit that right now I'm pretty sure any one of the Democratic candidates would do a much better job than the current administration, and that includes Kucinich and Gravel.

I gotta say, tho, I was really looking forward to this debate and I usually like Tim Russert, but what was up with all those hypothetical questions to start off with? I nearly turned the TV off. He starts the debate off by asking them all these hypothetical questions about Iraq and foreign policy. Questions that it would have been stupid for any of them to give yes or no answers to (tho some of them did). I especially disliked the one about making the promise to have all of our troops out of Iraq by 2013. How can you expect an intelligent person to make a promise about something that far out in time? That would be so stupid, especially for a politician. Then again, a few of the candidates did make that promise. It was still a stupid question, and one that I would have expected of someone from Fox News, not MSNBC or Tim Russert. I liked Hillary's answer best of all of them, on that question: "I would like to think that we could have them all out by then, but we just don't know what we will have to deal with when we walk into the White House in January 2009." Good answer. Cause we don't know. This administration is so secretive and underhanded, there isn't any telling what the next president will find when he/she gets into office. I'm certain that Bush and his cronies will do all they can to make things as difficult for an incoming Democratic president as possible. (call me a conspiracy theorist if you want, that's just my opinion)

Then I watched the show after the debate, you know, the one where the media types and the so called experts and analysts sit around and debate the debate. The show where the media tells us what we just saw. I like Chris Matthews but I just didn't see the same debate that he saw, I guess. I didn't think Hillary looked or sounded 'testy' (but I guess that's the label men put on a woman when she stands her ground and doesn't let a man push her around). I didn't think John Edwards scored any points. About the only thing we did seem to see the same was that Dennis Kucinich had the best line of the night when he said something along the lines of: "you can have a president who will get the troops out of Iraq, [do some other things], or you can have a president who is tall." that was pretty funny. And accurate, since we seem to base our votes for president on looks not substance. Tho that doesn't explain how a goofy looking idiot like Bush got elected, does it? I suppose there are exceptions to every rule, eh? But the thing with the media is this: I didn't agree with most of their assessments of the candidates, but it struck me last night while I was watching Chris (and disagreeing with him) that a lot of Americans are just going to take his word for it. Even if they were thinking differently than him before they watched his show, when it was over, they agreed with him. Like they can't trust their own judgement. The media has such power to shape public opinion and they don't use it responsibly, at all.

Anyway... that's my take on the debate last night. I'm no nearer making a decision than I was before. But I don't think I'm the only one in America in that dilemma. Yes, all the candidates have their core supporters, but I think the majority of Americans are still undecided. These upcoming primaries could be interesting. Then again, most Americans could choose to sit them out and wait until there is only one Democratic candidate and one Republican candidate before they strain their brains too much trying to decide who to vote for. Most Americans will likely sit back and let a small percentage of their countrymen decide who their choices will be. But that's the way it always seems to go, isn't it?

Why I'm Fat

Been thinking on the reasons and causes behind my weight gain and how it happened and why I've carried it all around with me for the past nearly two decades and so forth... I've come to some conclusions, or just one big one, really:

I have been [mostly] unhappy for that same length of time. And not even really realizing it for the most part. I was unhappy in my first marriage, so I cooked, and I ate. Then I got pregnant and I got really big and I never lost it. Not all the way, anyway... Going back to before I got pregnant, I can remember that I was already gaining weight. When I was 18 I wore a size 3. I was wearing size 5/6 jeans when I got married the first time, when I was 23 (I don't mean I wore jeans to my wedding, but you know what I mean). Two years later I was wearing size 10. After I had my son I was in size 22 pants. I stayed that size for about 7 years. After my divorce I was loosing weight, actually got down to a size 14, but then all our personal problems started up and I went back up to a size 20. I stayed at that size for the last 8-9 years. I would loose a little bit, then go right back up. My average weight during that time was 185 (And I'm only 5'2"!). Anytime I would loose a little, I would go right back up.

I recognize the problem now, tho. I am unhappy and I don't think I deserve to look good. I think I must be punishing myself for something. I haven't figured out for what, yet, and I'm not real keen on delving too deeply into it. Perhaps just recognizing the problem will be enough. I do know that I used to be happy. And I used to be slim and active and reasonably pretty, too. I want to be that person, again. So it's up to me to make it happen. I have to figure out some way to get myself to believe that I am a worthwhile person, that I deserve to look good, that it's okay if men look at me. That I have the right to take all the time I need for myself in order to make it happen. It's very hard, tho. Every time I go exercise or take a walk, I feel terribly guilty. I feel like I should be doing something else, cleaning the house, cooking, sitting and talking with the man, playing a game with my son... or doing nothing at all, rather than not be 'on call' for them every minute.

But I am seeing progress. I have made a conscious decision to be happy, to not take everything 'personally', to remind myself every day that I am a good person, that I deserve good things to happen to me. I am making changes in my life to insure that I will be happy. I am contemplating taking a job outside the home, again. I really like working and making my own money. And... I can see the weight is coming off, and if I stick to my guns, it will stay off, this time. This morning I looked at myself in the mirror, actually looked. And it didn't gross me out. I could see how the work is paying off. I weighed 154 this morning. That is the least I have weighed since back in the late 80's! Since before I had my son. I don't look as slim as I did back then, at that weight, because I'm all out of shape and everything is sort of saggy-baggy, but I'm working on that. I know I will never have the body I had back then, I've let it all go for far too long to ever get that back. But I don't think that should be my goal. I think my most important goal should just be to be healthy, physically and mentally and emotionally. As long as I keep working towards that goal, everything else should fall into place.

It is NOT fixed.

Oh boohoo. The van is not fixed. But now, at least, it is getting taken to the garage and hopefully they will fix it there. So... still not able to get re-started with Dr. Loo. Sort of a bummer, but I'm not not not going to let it get me down. It will happen, just maybe not as soon as I would have liked.

Haven't done any walks or exercises for nearly a whole week. But then, once a month a do feel puny, if you know what I mean. I usually try to work thru it, but it just wasn't happening this time. But today, I was able to get busy again. Walked (and jogged a little bit) for one hour and went 3 miles. That made me feel good. Used to not be able to jog on the treadmill, it made me feel so off balance, but I'm getting better at it. Once the weather cools off a bit more I think I'm going to start jogging around the neighborhood. I think I could get better results from that. Discovered today that that old song "Devil with a Blue Dress/Good Golly Miss Molly" by Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels is really good to jog to. The beat is just right for my footsteps.

And I think that maybe my tactics are working. We have not said hurtful words to one another in nearly 5 whole days! May not sound like much to some, but he had gotten in the habit of hurting my feelings on a daily basis and I had gotten in the habit of ignoring him as much as possible. Still too soon to say if it will hold, but the signs are good. We have actually been sitting on the sofa together and snuggling while we watch tv, which we haven't done in years. I have hope that I will be successful. I know that the distance that has grown between us is not just his fault. I let it happen, encouraged it, in some ways. So now I have to do what I can to correct my mistakes, and not just expect him to mend his ways. I have made a start and maybe it is working.

Now I'm going to get political. Pete and I were talking about this last night while we watched Olbermann. I know I'm going to vote Democratic in the next election. (unless some unforeseen Independent candidate shows up and says something to change my mind and looks like he/she can actually win) But I still haven't decided which Democratic candidate I'll vote for in the primary. And I wonder if, when I walk up to that little computer in my polling place, regardless of who I've decided to vote for (if I have decided by then) will I, as a woman, be able to not vote for Hillary. I mean, if I do, in my mind decide on Obama, or Edwards, or Richardson (whom I really like but don't think can win), will I be able to go to the polls and actually vote for one of them or will my heart override my head and make me vote for Hillary just because we are both women? I think she would do a good job, a wonderful job, really, but can she beat the republican spin machine? They are already gearing up, putting out their version (lies) of the stories they want the media to focus on. And the American people seem to be too lazy or too stupid to dig down and find out the truth for themselves. They don't seem to mind being led around by the nose, I just don't get it. But anyway... the question is: will I vote for the person, man or woman, whom I think will do the best job, and who can beat the republican nominee? Or do I vote for Hillary, regardless, just because she's a woman? I mean, if I vote for her, will it be because it is a reasoned, well thought out decision, or will it be because she could be the first woman president in the history of our nation and it could happen in my lifetime? I hate to think that I would be that shallow... but it could happen.

It was a good day, today

Started out with me getting my Nagano-san autographed picture in the mail. Yahoo! Whoopee! Hurrah! (double back flip with a full twist... if I only knew how)

And Dale, the mechanic, came out and fixed my van this morning. At least, I hope its fixed. I'm going to let hubby drive it for a couple of days and see how it does. Because that's just the kind of chicken I am. I'm going to let someone else test it out for me. (I really do hate driving, wish I didn't ever have to do it.) So soon, I hope, I will be able to call the dentist and re-schedule my missed appointment. Happy! Happy! Happy! I'm going to get my smile fixed.

Plus, (and this is a big bonus happy feeling) I got word yesterday that my little charm/gifty/card thing finally arrived in Tokyo and Cuteyhoney is/was going to try to get it to Nagano-san this weekend. I hope she can/has. Now I'll just obsess about whether or not he liked it (for a little while, at least). Can't ever know, but it would be nice to. Just to be certain he did indeed get the thing would be wonderful.

And... drum roll please... I have formulated a plan to win back the man I love, or try to, anyway. I have decided that we must somehow bridge this distance that has grown between us, and I have to take the first step, because I know he won't. To that effect I have been more attentive and caring toward him than I have been for a while. I am trying to be available if he wants to talk. I am sitting with him more and holding his hand. I even went so far as to snuggle with him last night in bed. I figure if he doesn't like it, he can say so. (He did say this morning that he liked the snuggles). It feels weird, but I guess I have to 'court' him. Is that the word? I guess most would say that's the man's job, but I suppose its mine, right now. Can't hurt, can it? Might actually work, too, if I can pull it off without seeming to be too clingy or whatever.

Now, if only he doesn't do or say something that makes me so angry I loose my resolve. He is prone to that, but I'm going to try my best to ignore it if it happens. So far, so good. It's been two whole days since he's said anything insulting or hurtful to me. Maybe my tactics are already working. I hope so. I really do love him too much to just let us drift apart like we've been doing. And life really is too short to spend it being so sad and lonely as I've been these past few years. I have to make this attempt, and I hope it works. I am determined that I will not just give up what we had without even trying to save it. Wish me luck.

pamwax, you inspire me to be brave

I've already been keeping a sort of picture journal of my efforts. So, I'm going to post it here. Maybe we can cheer each other on, eh?

I'll fess up: since the beginning of this year I've lost approximately 30 pounds (not sure exactly cause I didn't realize I was loosing it until I'd already started) and gone from a size 20 jeans to a size 13/14 jeans. I'm pretty proud of myself usually, except when I hit a wall and it seems like it's not going to start coming off again. It's so hard to have self-control and determination all the time.

I'll help you, if you'll help me.

Of course, Nagano-san is a great help, too. He is such an inspirational figure for me. The way he never gives up; the way he cheers for his friends even after he's fallen; the way he smiles when it's all over and you can practically hear him thinking, "next time"; his sense of satisfaction in the doing, not just the winning; he has so many good qualities...

He inspired me to write this one day a little while ago when I didn't want to finish my workout. And writing poetry (or whatever you want to call it) hasn't been my thing in many years.

Hot sweat between my breasts
muscles burn
refuse the next step.
Like heat lightning over wave's crest you smile.
My foot lifts.
I move on.

Sort of a Love Story kind of a thing

How did we get from that place where our souls were one to this place where our souls no longer even touch?

I met him 23 years and 2 months ago. I had just turned 18 a couple of weeks before; he was 43. I remember it like it was yesterday. There hasn't been a day in my life since, that I couldn't bring it to my mind with perfect clarity. I was in the bathroom doing my hair, getting ready to go out on a date with a guy named Kevin. A guy I had been dating for some time and was considering moving to Miami with. I had already cooked supper for Mom and Dan and their guests. I knew Buddy, he had been to our house many times before. I had never met him before, only heard Mom mention him. She called me to come out to the front of the house and meet him. I walked through the foyer and through the kitchen and into the dining room. I remember that I was bare-footed and my toenails were painted red. I saw his sneakers, his boot cut, button-fly jeans, his polo shirt, his beautiful, dark brown hair, that wonderful, full mustache, his laughing hazel eyes; and my lungs forgot how to function. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak, I couldn't remember my own name. He was so beautiful! Not the handsomest man I'd ever seen. Not the buff-est man I'd ever seen. But definitely the most beautiful man I'd ever seen. The moment my eyes met his I fell head-over-heels, ass over tea-kettle, deeply, madly, eternally in love with him. I called and canceled my date and never saw or spoke to Kevin after that.

We sat up nearly all night long, sitting on my mother's front porch, talking, laughing, smiling, smoking, talking some more... He was a perfect gentleman, never made a pass, never tried to touch me, never said a word that wasn't completely innocuous. But he looked, oh how he looked at me. And I knew. Oh yes, I knew he wanted to touch me and kiss me and love me, as much as I wanted to touch him, kiss him, love him. Finally, about 5 in the morning Dan came out and asked us if we didn't think it was time to go to bed. So I went to my bed and he went to sleep on the couch. I waved good-bye to him later, as he drove away in his truck.

A few days later, after Mom and Dan had gone back on the road, he called. He was going to be coming back that way and wanted to know if it would be all right if he stopped in and visited with us a bit (us being me and Sandy, Dan's little sister who was living there at the time). Of course it was. He came, we all three went to Circus World, he and I held hands some, we smiled and we laughed together. We stopped at Casa Guillardo's for supper and he and I sat on the same side of the table, very close together. We got home and Sandy went to bed and he and I sat on the front porch for a while, smoking, talking, laughing. And when I couldn't stand it any longer, I took his hand and I led him up to his truck and we climbed in and I dragged him into the sleeper and had my way with him. He still says I seduced him, maybe I did (personally, I don't think I had enough experience at that age, to seduce anyone). I just knew that I wanted him and I knew that it was going to happen, so why wait? It was the most incredible thing. It was wonderful, as I knew it would be.

A few weeks later, I was flying to meet him in Atlanta with my mother threatening to have him arrested, which she couldn't since I was 18, and Dan threatening to break his knee-caps when next he saw him. It was the happiest time of my entire life. I felt so free, so safe, so loved. We were so in tune with one another, we fit. We could talk about anything, and we did. We had so much in common, it seemed. And we loved, oh how we loved... We were together a blissful few months, several, in fact, before reality reared it's ugly head. My family worked together and his friends treated me like a child (and he let them), and I left him. My family quickly bundled me off to Texas and kept me busy and he went off to do his thing. We didn't see each other (except for once) for the next 13 years. (and that one time, if he had put his arms around me, if he had acted in any way like he wanted me back, oh well...)

During those 13 years, I lived in Texas, in Alabama (where I was living when we saw each other that one time), in Florida, in Canada, back to Florida. I married a man I didn't love but thought I could get along with (turned out I was wrong). Thought we had some common goals (we didn't). Moved to Canada with him for a half a year, then back to Florida. Was just about to cut my losses and leave him when I found I was pregnant with a child I never wanted and now can't imagine living without. Was married for about 6 years and was desperately unhappy when one day, while I was driving Mom around town, she says to me, "I often wonder if we shouldn't have just left you and Pete alone? I think you would be happier now if you were still with him." And I almost ran the stop sign before my body started functioning again. (It was a fortunate thing that the blood loss to the brain didn't cause me to pass out and wreck.) Then she says, "Me and Marie were on her computer the other day and we found out where he's living. We called him up and we talked to him. He's living in Dallas and he's doing okay." She shut up just long enough for me to begin breathing again and then she said, "I have his number here, if you want it." and she tucked a piece of paper with a phone number on it into the inside pocket of my purse.

I kept that piece of paper for about 3 months, took it out and looked at it nearly every day, before I got up the nerve to call him. I was on my knees, hardly breathing, in my bedroom. Hands shaking so hard I could barely push the correct buttons on the phone. When I heard his voice, I nearly lost mine. We talked. Just talked about stuff. He was at work, not really conducive to serious conversations. We spoke a few minutes and then he said he had to go and that he'd call back in a day or two. I gave him my number and hung up. He called back two or three days later and during the course of our conversation, he suggested that I come to Dallas and live with him. I reminded him that I was a mother, that it wasn't just me alone, anymore. He said, "I understand that. He's my son anyway, or should have been." So, I told my then husband that I wanted a divorce and my son and I moved in with my mother. It wasn't like it was a shock or anything. We'd been leading up to that for a while. Neither of us was happy in the marriage. I think it was a shock to him that I brought it up first. I know that now he'd rather he'd been the one to ask for it first. Just so happens I beat him to the punch. I know that some would say I betrayed my first husband for another, but I don't see it that way. My first husband never held my heart, only he has ever done that.

I wanted to be with him, longed to be with him, but I wasn't sure how my son would react. I had already had plans to go to Angleton, TX with my son and my mother to celebrate two of my younger cousin's high-school graduations, so I asked him to meet us there. We got there a day ahead of him and piled in at my uncles house. He didn't get down there from Dallas until after we'd already gone and come back from the first graduation ceremony. We arrived back at Allen's house around 9 or 10pm and he drove over from where he'd been waiting in the parking lot of the store next door. I was involved in getting my almost 5 year old, sound asleep son out of the car and into a bed. He walked up, we looked at one another. To be sure I was a shock to him. I was no longer the size 3, 18 year old, sex-kitten he'd known before. I'd warned him that I was fat and ugly (even sent him a picture, so he would know) but he said it didn't matter. That I would always be beautiful to him. We loaded my stuff and my son in his car and went and got a hotel room. The second graduation ceremony was the next evening so, we had time to talk and re-learn each other. He took Thomas swimming in the hotel swimming pool. By the time that day was half over, Thomas was holding his hand and laughing with him and smiling at him. So I knew it would be okay.

We were married on July 5, 1996.

I was so happy. So at peace. I felt so free, and safe, like I could do anything and anything was possible. I felt so warm inside, so loved. Goes to show what a fool I am, don't it? It was all an illusion. An illusion of how we used to be before life intervened. Before I got old and fat and ugly and before he got old and bitter and alcoholic. I think in his mind he thought it would be neat to be able to tell people that his wife was 25 years younger than him; that he was 55 and had a 5 year old son. It suited his vanity to tell people that. And it sounds good until you meet the reality of it. But that's why we never go anywhere. Someone he knows might see us and find out that his hot young wife is in actuality... me. And he is embarrassed of me, of Thomas and me both. We are not perfect people. We are not beautiful. We don't fit his story.

And I still love him so. Even though I no longer feel safe, or loved, or like anything is possible. And I certainly don't feel free. I'm trapped by my love for him. And I'm emotionally starving to death. He's so cold and mean-spirited and shriveled up inside. I know love used to be there. I know he used to have the capacity for love, for care, for generosity, for open-mindedness. I know we felt love for one another once, the kind that most people never find. We used to fit together so well that we could complete each others sentences. We just knew what the other was feeling. We could speak to each other with just a glance, a touch, a smile. Our souls were twined together into a whole. Now our souls no longer touch. I feel like a part of me is just gone. I miss feeling loved and cared for. I miss the joy of knowing I'll never be lonely. All I am, now, is lonely. It breaks my heart, but I feel like he is dead to me. There is nothing there of the man I used to know, or thought or I knew. Sometimes when he is sleeping, I look at him, see his handsome face. The features are still the same. But the man is not. Something else animates him now, he is a stranger to me. I don't like being married to this person. I want my husband back. I want the man I knew before; the man I thought I was marrying. I don't want this stranger.

It's bizarre. It is like living with a complete stranger. I don't want him to see me unclothed. I don't want him to know what I'm doing. I don't want to talk to him about what I'm thinking. Sometimes I forget and try to talk to him and the responses I get are so far away from what my husband would say that it's scary. I don't want to be with this strange person. It hurts so much to look at him, see that familiar face, those arms, those hands, that body, and feel like I'm seeing a ghost, or some sort of evil twin. Sometimes I just want to run away and hide from this person. Sometimes I hate this person who's stolen my husband's body. I can't live like this much longer. Something has to give, and sometimes I think it will be my mind.

I had to write all of this down. I had to remember, make it be real again for a little while. He used to love me. He used to want me. He used to care about me.


He did, I know he did.

Nope, don't think so...

Haven't gotten one of these in a long, long time...


So I was clearing out the spam earlier today and had one in there with an offer to help me increase my bust size the "all natural" way. No surgery, no chemicals, no exercises. They make me laugh even harder than the ones offering to help me increase my (thankfully non-existent) penis size. Seeing as I'm already an "all natural", God-given, D cup, I don't think I want to increase my bust size. Naturally or unnaturally. Now, if they were offering some way to decrease my bust size naturally, I might be tempted to click on the link and check them out. Unfortunately, I think the only way I'm ever going to have cute, little bouncy B cup boobs is to have surgery. And somehow I just don't see that happening. So I'm stuck with these great big, heavy knockers. I did get a good laugh out of it, tho. But seriously, does anyone actually click on that crap? I mean, really... who would?

Still no Nagano-san poster/picture/sticker/thingy (heavy sigh). I almost wish pamwax hadn't put a picture of hers up on her blog. I was practically drooling on my computer screen today, while looking at it. That man is just fine, fine, fine. And those lips! OMG! Have you ever seen more kissable lips? He definitely gets my imagination going (not to mention my heart rate).

Dang! Who would have thought?

I thought it was only skinny girls who forgot to eat. And here it is, after 6pm and I just now ate my first meal of the day. I guess the news about Nagano-san and the other Sasuke All-Stars threw me off balance today. Who would have thought that NONE of them would have made it past the first stage in Sasuke 19? Not me certainly. Ah well, there's always the next one to look forward to. And I do.


I'm sure Nagano-san (and all the other All-Stars) tried their best. I can't imagine Nagano-san ever doing less than his very best at anything. They've just gotten too insane with the course. Should make it a challenge, but make it 'do-able'. Nagano-san may look like one, but he's not a GOD. I feel for him, tho. It must have been just as shocking to him, to fall in the first stage, as it was for me to find out about. I still can't believe it. If strength of desire could make it so, he would feel my caring thoughts and comforting hugs and kisses all around him on the air. Does that sound sappy, or crazy? I bet other Nagano-san fans know what I mean.

And in other news: it's official today, Dale Jr's new number is 88. So nice of Robert Yates to give it up for him. Bet all those doh's who have number 8 tattoos are breathing a sigh of relief. What a stupid thing to do anyway. Get a tattoo of your favorite race car driver's car number. Like drivers don't change rides at least 2-3 times in their career. Even Mark Martin ended up leaving Roush, and who would have ever thought to see that happen? I guess the younger fans don't remember that even Dale Sr. drove other numbers besides the 3. Look it up, if you don't believe me.

Well, that's just all of a piece, isn't it?

My favorite author died today after a long illness. He was just 58. He was also at least two books away from finishing the series I've been reading and re-reading since about 1990-91.

Rest in Peace

James Oliver Rigney Jr.

aka

Robert Jordan

You fought the good fight,

rest now

Finding out was just the absolute perfect top to an incredibly shitty day. Still don't have a vehicle that is safe to drive, so called and canceled the dentist appointment I had for tomorrow. I just can't drive that stupid van, and the man won't get it fixed and I can't pay for it cause I have no freekin' job and no freekin' vehicle to get me back and forth from one if I had one to begin with! And canceling the appointment really bummed me out, so I spent all day crying off and on. I was so looking forward to having a pretty smile, or at least a reasonably decent one.

And my little gifty/card/thingy never arrived in Japan so Nagano-san never got it, nor ever will and I can't make another one like it, no two are ever the same. Besides, it depresses me so much to think about it that I wouldn't be able to work on anything with a clear mind and happy heart. And besides, I wouldn't send him anything that I worked on when I wasn't feeling my absolute best. Wouldn't want to send any bad vibes his way. Made sure I only worked on it while I was feeling really good and happy and full of good thoughts for him. I don't feel that way now. I just feel depressed and sad and crappy and like what's the use. I mean, it wasn't anything spectacular or fine or expensive, just a little silver wire charm I formed and hung on a bit of braided hemp. It was merely the receptacle for the good wishes and admiration I feel for him. Oh well, perhaps the well wishes reached him, even if my gift did not.

I just feel so yucky today. I wish I could go back and start the day all over. Well, maybe not. It might just get worse. I hate crying. Talk about an utter waste of time and effort. It never changes anything and it just makes other people uncomfortable when they find out, or see you doing it. Think I'll just finish up my little chores and go to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Peace.

Stuff that ticks me off or just makes me wonder...

How come cable news networks (the ones I would watch anyway) only show stupid documentaries and crap on the weekends? Does the whole world just stop at 5pm Friday afternoon? Is there nothing news worthy going on on Saturday and Sunday? I used to watch CNN all the time, but now mostly watch MSNBC. Except on the weekends when they don't do any freekin' news! Does anyone actually watch that crap that MSNBC runs late at night and on the weekends? Lockup? That crap about the crimes that happened 10-20-30 years ago? That so called reality programming? I'd as soon watch paint dry.

And so... Troy beat Oklahoma State last night in Troy, AL (41-23) and no one has made a big deal about it anywhere, that I have seen. I thought it was cool. I even watched the last 4-5 minutes of the game, just to see how it would turn out and know that Oklahoma wouldn't make some miraculous comeback and steal the win or anything. And I ain't a really big football fan. Especially college football. I mean, I always want and expect the Gators to win, but I'm not all into it or anything. But I did think last night was pretty cool.

And if I hear one more announcer or reporter declaring that Clint Bowyer is the "only driver in the Chase who hasn't won a Cup race yet" I think I may puke, or jump thru the tv and do them bodily harm. Anyone who watches your shows or follows NASCAR racing at all already knows Clint hasn't won a Cup race yet. You guys (and girls) seem to have a penchant for belaboring the obvious. The way ya'll latch on to something and then just beat it to death is really annoying. Do you all really think we are that stupid that we can't remember from one minute to the next what you've said?

And why can't Domino's pizza have on-line ordering for delivery in our area? Only one Domino's in my area offers on-line ordering. And it's only for carry-out! WTF is that all about?! That kinda negates the whole purpose of ordering on-line, doesn't it? I want to order on-line, pay on-line, and get my pizza at the door, thank you very much. I just love living in such a bassackwards part of the country.

Speaking of bassackwards, why the hell does George W. "I am the KING" Bush still have such high approval ratings? I mean, 36 percent nationally (it's higher in this god-forsaken state I live in) still seems awfully high for a jackass who's totally divided our country and made us so hated around the world. Who are these dumb-asses who think that bastard is doing a good job? What country are they living in? And more to the point: what kind of drugs are they taking? I mean, really!!! "he's making us safer", "he's a God-fearing man", "he cares about us". For real? People like him, want to have a beer with him, share a meal with him, whatever. I wouldn't let that filthy cur in my yard, much less up on my porch, and most definitely not in my house.

So, that's about all I have to rant about right now. I feel like I'm forgetting something, and probably am. But oh well... that's what happens when you get old.

Man food, that a woman can love, too.

My Favorite Pot Roast

Whatever size and cut of beef you prefer (I used a 3 pound chuck roast, this time)
A pound or two of New Potatoes, however many you think you'll eat (I used a combo of red, white and purple New Potatoes, just cause they look nice.)
Other root vegetables like parsnips and/or carrots (whatever you like)
One or two onions, chopped small (red and white or yellow)
The pale green parts of a couple of leeks, julienned and chopped
Garlic, finely chopped (how much depends on how well you like garlic, I love it, so I used about half a small head)
Green and Red Chilies (again, what kind and how many I leave up to you) I used 6 large Hatch Valley chilies, two I chopped fresh and 4 I roasted and peeled.
1 tsp. Black Pepper
1/4 tsp. Celery Seed
1/2 tsp Mustard Seed (whole)
1 cup coffee
1 cup water/beef broth
Olive Oil

You can do this in the oven, but since it's still too hot to leave the oven on all day, I'm using the slow cooker. Put enough olive oil in the cooker to coat the bottom. Layer your onions, leeks, garlic and fresh chilies therein. Put the roast on top of that. Sprinkle roast with the black pepper, celery and mustard seeds. Pour the coffee and water, or broth around the sides of the cooker so as not to rinse the spices off the roast. Lay the whole roasted chilies on top of the roast and put the lid on.
Add your potatoes and other root vegetables when the roast has about 1 to 1.5 hours left to cook.
I start my cooker on high and about 2-3 hours later I turn it down to low. It will depend on the cut of meat you use and how big it is. When you add your vegetables, turn the cooker back up to high.
I don't use any salt in this recipe cause I think it ruins the flavor of the chilies, but that's just my preference. If you can't live without salt, then salt away.
If you want, you can also add some cumin, cilantro, garum masala... whatever flavor you feel like. I've been known to throw a piece of cinnamon in with the onions or sprinkle just a tiny bit on the meat with the black pepper. Just the teeniest bit, you just want the hint of it, not enough for it to stand out so you can recognize it first thing. This time, tho, I just wanted the clear, fresh flavor of these wonderful chilies that came yesterday.
Serve with a loaf of nice crusty bread and a green salad.
This is one of my favorite meals. Primarily because my husband and son love it, but I like it an awful lot too. It's one of the few meals that the entire family can agree on. Will try to remember to take a few pics before we chow down and post them here, later.
(Sorry, no pics. The man chowed down while I was out. It was good, tho)

Hopefully the man will have the energy to eat more than a few mouthfuls before he falls asleep.
He still says he's going to work thru the whole process, but if he's this tired feeling already, what's he going to feel like a month or two down the road? I've been researching this stuff as best I can and reading some of the blogs of men who've undergone this treatment and some of them have felt the effects of the lupron in as little as two days. Well, he got his shot 5 days ago. The highest dosage they give. He won't talk about it. Won't tell me if he's feeling any of the effects they warned him about, so I just have to guess what he's feeling. This is not fun, and I don't guess its gonna get any better until it's over with. Just have to suck it up and go on, eh?

Some young boy just called me sexy. Weird

So I have this myspace account. I don't go on there searching for peeps or looking around at peeps I don't already know, but I have one. I share pics with my family and stuff like that. Anyway... so I get this friend request from some young guy who's page says he's in Egypt. I didn't really care for his page, a bit too gangsta and all for me. But I approved him anyway, figuring I could always block him later if he proved a nuisance. Right after I approved him, he sent me a message telling me I was sexy and that he wished I was smiling in my picture cause he was sure I had a really cute smile. (plus some other stuff)

The picture in the upper right is the picture I am using now on myspace.



Anyway... the whole point of this is this: it makes me feel really weird. I'm not sure if it makes me feel icky or not, but definitely weird. Sometimes I feel sexy, but one look in the mirror usually takes care of that. I was sexy once, way long time ago. I've turned heads in my time, on occasion they were even someone who's head I wanted to turn. But this feels, well, weird. My sister said "maybe he's testing you to see if you want to cyber or whatever." Silly me, I hadn't even thought of that.
I'm just me. I don't feel that I look sexy in that picture, nor in any of the other ones I have posted there. I don't think I look like someone that anyone would want to 'cyber' with. (and besides, doesn't that just sound stupid?!)

It made me feel extremely uncomfortable, tho. And I'm trying to figure out why. Is it because no one has called me sexy in more years than I like to think of and I'm not used to it anymore? Is it because I see myself as completely and absolutely unattractive? Or is it only that I found his remarks crude and undignified?

On the one hand, I find it pretty funny. On the other hand... I am disturbed by it. I didn't ask him to come on there and start getting all personal with me! On the other hand... oh right, I don't have an other hand, okay, on the one foot... it would be nice to think that someone thought I was attractive or sexy or whatever; on the other foot... it would have been nice if it was someone with a little more charm and finesse.

Fun With Food

Is there anything that smells as wonderful as New Mexico chilies? Our wonderful brother-in-law, who, along with his wife, my husband's sister, lives in Las Cruces, shipped us a great big box of Hatch chilies. Mostly green, some red. Oh God! They smell absolutely divine! They could bottle that scent as a men's cologne or aftershave and then I'd really want to stay close to my man. HA!


I felt pretty ambitious when I got up today, so I got all my stuff together and made some spaghetti sauce. Still making, actually. It's the old-fashioned, cook all day long, kind. Been simmering for hours now. Smells wonderful. Can't wait til dinner.


And for once, I had the sour-dough starter out of the fridge, feeding it, so it was ready for use just when I felt like baking some bread, so have that rising now, too. Think I'll make some little garlic rolls to go with the pasta tonight.


Should have been doing some intensive house-cleaning today, but felt more like cooking. The dust will be there tomorrow, the urge to make really good spaghetti sauce may not.


I've been wanting something sweet, lately too. Have some cherries and peaches in the freezer, might make a cobbler or a pie later. Or maybe some little tarts. Would really like a nice, crispy fried pie, but since eating anything fried is totally out of the question for hubby now, I'll have to stick to something baked. Or I could just make some fudge, it's quicker and easier.

So it begins...

Well, he got the shot today. Along with shrinking the prostate it's supposed to start working on the cancer, too. It was all so sudden-like. I wasn't expecting it this soon. It makes it all so much more real, so huge, so ugly.

So, after he went to bed I finally sat down and had a good long cry. I've been holding it in for so long now. I thought it might make me feel better. All it did, in fact, was make my face all red and puffy and my nose is stopped up and my eyes are swollen and red. So now I feel like crap on the outside and the inside!

Thank Goodness that g4 was showing a Ninja Warrior episode that had Nagano-san in it. That made me feel some better. The man is such an inspiration to me! His smile always makes me feel better.

Boy! That'll Sure Wake You Up.

So, the radiation specialist called this morning and wanted to talk to Pete. Sooner than we expected. Of course, he wouldn't talk to me beyond saying that it wasn't anything 'bad' and that he just needed to set up another appointment with him. (like they don't always set up the appointments thru me!) So I gave him Pete's work number and a little later on he [Pete] called me.
Turns out that the prostate is too enlarged to do radiation treatments. They have to treat that first and get it smaller before they can do radiation. So... he'll get started with that and then go back in November for another CT scan. It just seems like it gets worse and worse. They tell us not to worry, everything is fine, those numbers don't mean anything, we don't think the prostate is that enlarged, we can start your radiation therepy right away and soon you'll be good as new, etc., etc. Then, just what they say we don't have to worry about is what is happening! Why can't they just tell the truth? Lay it out in cold, hard facts. We'd both rather know than not know.

I'm just sorta freaking out. I don't know whether to cry or scream or get angry or what. Since I'm none too sure that the doctors are telling us the truth I don't know what to think or what to feel. I guess all I can do is wait and see. (and I'm so abundantly patient, aren't I?)

This has been just a doozy of a week, let me tell you. Good thing Thomas is in FL right now. I don't think I could pull off the 'happy mom' routine at the moment. Damn! I'm so frickin angry at the man for getting this disease! Ain't it just like him to do something like this? I know, I know, he didn't exactly choose to get it, but still...

Cars are evil, dentists are not

So I went to the dentist today for the first of many appointments. Hopefully, when it's all over with I will have a 'movie star' smile. No, really, not that, but a nice one, anyway. Dr. Loo is really nice. I like him, I'm comfortable with him. And his staff are really nice, also. I'm really excited to be getting this part of my self-improvement project under way. Things are starting to work out on other fronts as well.

When I first started with the dieting I was way too big. Maybe not obese, but way bigger than I should have been. Then I started loosing weight, and it was cool. Then I started walking and boy was that hard. At first I couldn't go half a mile without feeling like I was going to pass out. And I was sooooooo slow, too. Now, approximately 4 months later, I'm much faster and I can go much farther. Today was kind of a milestone or whatever you want to call it. I did 3 miles today. And I wasn't even especially tired afterwards. I mean, it didn't take a huge effort from me to do it. I felt sorta proud about that.

The van worked perfectly fine, just like it's supposed to, on the way to Dr. Loo's office. I was nervous about driving it, but it was fine, there. Getting back... that's another story altogether. When I got in and turned the key, it started doing that racing engine thing that it's been doing. So I shut it off and let it sit a minute or two and tried it again. It was still doing it. I had to start and restart it several times before it was normal. Then all the way home I was terrified that it was going to quit running on me just like it did the last time. I hate cars. And I hate living in a city with virtually no mass transit options. If I could, I would take the bus or train everywhere. But that isn't an option for me since Augusta, GA and the surrounding area don't even have a clue what mass transit is. Oh, if I wanted to walk about 4 miles (in this heat) I could catch a bus that would take me downtown. But what do I want in downtown? It won't take me anyplace I'd care to go, or need to go.

So, I told the man that if he didn't get the van fixed by my next dentist appointment on the 18th that I would be taking a cab there and back. I ain't driving that fricking van even one more turn of the wheels until it's fixed. So he said he will have it fixed this weekend. I hope he does. I don't much like riding in cabs either. I hate sitting in the backseat of any car. It makes me have motion sickness (good old fashioned car sick, is what it is - and that ain't fun).

Think I'll go peruse the Nagano-san fansite. See what's going on over there.
G'nite everybody.

A Tad Bit Anxious

Was going to post yesterday, but when I sat down I sorta freaked out a little bit and had to walk away.

The man went for another CT scan today. If all goes well, we'll find out early next week when he starts his cancer treatments and what all that will entail. We already know a little bit about what to expect, but the final decisions still depend on how large the prostate is and what this latest CT tells them. I'm trying to act all normal and everything, and I know how treatable prostate cancer is now days, but it still freaks me out sometimes. The doctors all say that it was caught in the 'early stages' and there's "nothing to worry about' but then again, when he went in for his physical and they found his numbers 'slightly elevated' they told us that it wasn't anything to worry about, that the numbers weren't 'high enough to even think cancer', we'll just do a biopsy as a 'precaution'. And, low and behold!, they found cancer. How can I believe anything they tell me, now? Are they telling us the truth? Or are they just sugar-coating it? I don't know.

I'm down a pant size and my bras are getting looser. But it's hard to get excited about anything right now. It feels like everything in my life is 'on hold'. I'm just sitting here waiting to find out if my man is going to live or die. That sounds harsh, but what else can I say? He's a hateful, hurtful, mean-spirited, crab-souled, miserable old asshole and I seem to stay plenty mad at him most of the time, but he's my hateful, etc. etc. asshole, and I love him. Whether I want to or not. I'd miss him if he wasn't here.

And I'm all up-set about going to the dentist tomorrow. Not about the dentist, exactly. I'm actually kinda excited about seeing him and finding out what we can do to make it possible for me to smile nicely again before I die. I'm super nervous about driving that stupid van that always seems to act up when I'm driving. I hate, hate, hate it! Just once in my life I'd like to have a vehicle that I wasn't scared to death to drive.

I've been so up-set, anxious, and nervous that I've been sick all day long. I mean, to the point of throwing up. I wish to God that I wasn't such a whimp.

Anyway... that's pretty much what's going on in my world. What's going on in yours?

It just occured to me to wonder...

Okay, so I was on the Makoto Nagano fan site last night and we were all talking about the fact that we'd sent cards, letters, gifts, fan mail type stuff to the man. I felt pretty weird when I sent my fan letter. It was the first thing like that that I'd ever done. So, being that it made me feel pretty weird when I did it, I got to thinking, "Wonder how he feels when he gets this stuff from us? Does it make him feel as strange to receive it as it made me feel to send it?"
It has to be pretty strange, receiving correspondence from people who don't even speak or write your language (altho its my understanding that he has someone who helps him translate)
Anyway... it was just a thought.

Hi Everyone!

This is my new blog. I'll be posting my random musings about various subjects here. I may post once a week, or several times a day, I don't know. It just depends on how things are going and what crosses my mind. Hope you'll all join in the conversation.
Peace.