Going Home

... tomorrow. Well, you can't ever really go home, can you? But you know what I mean. I'm going to Florida tomorrow. Will stay at my aunt Tina's house. Okay, sometimes I call her my sister, cause she's not 4 years older than me and my mom mostly raised her with me and my sister Martie. So... I have two older sisters really. Anyway... we'll stay at Tina's house and Martie will bring her family out to visit. Thought she was going to come with the girls and stay with us the whole weekend, but creep face John (her husband) decided he will come too, so they won't stay the night, just come over both days. That's good enough, I guess. I have problems always wanting more than I can have, or deserve. I try not to, but... I really wanted to spend good time with her and I know with that man around it won't be a good time for her or probably any one else.

Would like to spend more than a couple days down there, maybe hit the beach, hit the Springs, do a little site-seeing, reminiscing... won't have the chance. Will be happy with what I can have and not cry over what I can't have. Feel so nostalgic tonight. Thinking about when we were growing up, the stuff we used to do, the places we would go. Simple stuff, hanging out all night with friends, feeling the breeze, breathing the air, watching the moon and stars, listening to music... good times. Was skinny back then. Skinny, blond with big boobs. HA! Never wanted for a date much back then. That's funny. I look at myself now and wonder where did that girl go? What happened to her? Can I find her again? I would like to. Things keep dragging me down. Side-tracking me. I have to concentrate so hard... Life is funny. You know? I'm sure everyone has heard the saying, "If I knew then what I know now..." Funny, I feel like, "If I knew now what I knew then...". Feel like my mind is drifting away from me, little by little. Maybe all the memories will just disappear one day and I won't know who I am. Maybe I'd be better off.

But I like to remember what the ocean smelled like. What the orange blossoms smelled like. I want to remember that lone palm tree standing out there in the middle of the salt flats surrounded by nothing but sawgrass and dark, brackish water, the sun going down in your eyes, as you drive down Highway 50 toward the beach. Florida was beautiful when I was growing up there. It's not so beautiful now. In fact, to me it's ugly now. The orange groves are gone, the salt flats are mostly gone, the rivers are all silted up or else built up around so you can't see them. The horse farms are gone, the pastures are all covered by houses and strip malls. Progress, eh?

Feel kinda sad tonight. Should be happy, but I'm not. Not really. Life is hard. Love is hard. Sometimes it makes no sense. To me anyway. I remember that I was always a trusting, loving, affectionate person. I loved being around people. I loved pleasing people, making people happy. Then I figured out that people lie. People don't really love you even tho they say they do. People aren't really your friends, they just say they are and then they turn around and hurt you. Just to see you cry. Just because it makes them feel big, superior...



Nazareth - Love Hurts


And it makes me think about all the people I've hurt in my time. Unintentionally, or otherwise. Hurt through just not being there for them. Hurt by doing or saying something utterly selfish and self-centered that brought totally unintended results. It makes me feel shitty. I hate knowing that I've hurt others, but it's happened. I will pay for it. Have already paid for some of the things I've said and done. Will pay more, I'm sure.


This is for you, Bill, where ever you may be, what ever you may be doing... I'm sorry.



Bob Seger - You'll Accompany Me