Last night I undertook a Herculean task. I am scanning all my old photos into my computer and putting them on a website for my niece Katie. (well, for anyone in the family, really, but primarily for Katie) Looking at those old pictures makes me happy, makes me sad, makes me remember... a Herculean task, indeed. In more ways than one.
Most of the pictures I am working on now are of the kids (my son and my three nieces). There are a few of myself and my sister when we were younger, mixed in. I look at those pictures and I wonder where that girl went. My life is nothing like what I envisioned it being way back then. I've known people who mapped out their life while young and then stuck to the plan until they achieved their goal. I don't understand how they do it. I am so far away from what I thought I wanted when I was a girl, I can't begin to trace the convoluted path backward to find out just where I first turned off the road that was leading me to what I wanted then.
I wanted to be an archaeologist, or a museum curator, or a teacher. And, oh yeah, I wanted to be a writer, too. Instead I ended up a customer service manager for a large department store. And now that I don't work anymore I don't even have that much identity of my own. I'm a wife, and a home-schooling mother. I cook, I clean, I do the laundry, I pay the bills and balance the checkbook, I make sure the school work gets done, I trim the hedges, and do the grocery shopping. And it isn't enough.
I love my son. I love my husband. But that isn't enough. I want something more. Taking care of my family is satisfying in it's way, but it just doesn't fill me up like it used to. I want to be an individual again. Someone aside from the family caregiver. I want to make my own choices, for myself. I want to do something that's in my best interest for a change. I want a job, I want something meaningful and worthwhile to do.
Thomas is nearly grown and will be out of the house in a few years. Pete will be retiring in a few years. I don't think I could stand to be with him 24/7/365. Sorry, but that's just the sad facts. I love the man but if I had to be with him around the clock we'd end up divorced or one of us would be dead. I love the man dearly, but I don't like him very much at all. We don't seem to have anything in common anymore and even worse, our differences don't even compliment each other. Anyway...
I just have to say: that bitch who kept on about wanting to know if Nagano-san was gay or not really got on my nerve. What the hell difference does it make? Why would anyone care? She seemed a bit obsessed with it, really. To me that's just not relevant to how I feel about him. Why not ask him what religion he practises, while you're at it? Jeez. And that other rude fool who posted on Konpira's forum. It kinda got off with me. I know I should just take it with a grain of salt, but... we have such a happy little group there and I hate to see creeps like that come along and ruin the good vibe I get from visiting there.
On the brighter side of things... Nagano-san is still beautiful. Overwhelmingly beautiful. Watched Sasuke #12 both times tonight. He's just that fantastic. Watching him makes me incredibly happy. And that's a good thing. A very good thing. Thank you Makoto Nagano.