Thursday, March 27, 2008

Going Home

... tomorrow. Well, you can't ever really go home, can you? But you know what I mean. I'm going to Florida tomorrow. Will stay at my aunt Tina's house. Okay, sometimes I call her my sister, cause she's not 4 years older than me and my mom mostly raised her with me and my sister Martie. So... I have two older sisters really. Anyway... we'll stay at Tina's house and Martie will bring her family out to visit. Thought she was going to come with the girls and stay with us the whole weekend, but creep face John (her husband) decided he will come too, so they won't stay the night, just come over both days. That's good enough, I guess. I have problems always wanting more than I can have, or deserve. I try not to, but... I really wanted to spend good time with her and I know with that man around it won't be a good time for her or probably any one else.

Would like to spend more than a couple days down there, maybe hit the beach, hit the Springs, do a little site-seeing, reminiscing... won't have the chance. Will be happy with what I can have and not cry over what I can't have. Feel so nostalgic tonight. Thinking about when we were growing up, the stuff we used to do, the places we would go. Simple stuff, hanging out all night with friends, feeling the breeze, breathing the air, watching the moon and stars, listening to music... good times. Was skinny back then. Skinny, blond with big boobs. HA! Never wanted for a date much back then. That's funny. I look at myself now and wonder where did that girl go? What happened to her? Can I find her again? I would like to. Things keep dragging me down. Side-tracking me. I have to concentrate so hard... Life is funny. You know? I'm sure everyone has heard the saying, "If I knew then what I know now..." Funny, I feel like, "If I knew now what I knew then...". Feel like my mind is drifting away from me, little by little. Maybe all the memories will just disappear one day and I won't know who I am. Maybe I'd be better off.

But I like to remember what the ocean smelled like. What the orange blossoms smelled like. I want to remember that lone palm tree standing out there in the middle of the salt flats surrounded by nothing but sawgrass and dark, brackish water, the sun going down in your eyes, as you drive down Highway 50 toward the beach. Florida was beautiful when I was growing up there. It's not so beautiful now. In fact, to me it's ugly now. The orange groves are gone, the salt flats are mostly gone, the rivers are all silted up or else built up around so you can't see them. The horse farms are gone, the pastures are all covered by houses and strip malls. Progress, eh?

Feel kinda sad tonight. Should be happy, but I'm not. Not really. Life is hard. Love is hard. Sometimes it makes no sense. To me anyway. I remember that I was always a trusting, loving, affectionate person. I loved being around people. I loved pleasing people, making people happy. Then I figured out that people lie. People don't really love you even tho they say they do. People aren't really your friends, they just say they are and then they turn around and hurt you. Just to see you cry. Just because it makes them feel big, superior...

Nazareth - Love Hurts

And it makes me think about all the people I've hurt in my time. Unintentionally, or otherwise. Hurt through just not being there for them. Hurt by doing or saying something utterly selfish and self-centered that brought totally unintended results. It makes me feel shitty. I hate knowing that I've hurt others, but it's happened. I will pay for it. Have already paid for some of the things I've said and done. Will pay more, I'm sure.

This is for you, Bill, where ever you may be, what ever you may be doing... I'm sorry.

Bob Seger - You'll Accompany Me

Monday, March 24, 2008

Don't Wanna Be My Friend No More...

...I wanna be somebody else

Pink - Don't Let Me Get Me

So... I guess we will be going to Florida this coming weekend. Spend a couple of days with Tina and Martie and all the kids. Martie and her girls are coming to stay at Tina's with us. I hope she leaves butthead at home. 20 some odd years ain't made me like him any better. And I've tried. God knows I've tried. Just something about the man makes it hard for me to even look at him. Of course, knowing that he's beat my sister up; let her go hungry, homeless, un-loved all these years doesn't help. I know it was her choice. Her choice, her right. Still hurts. Why are men such dickheads? Pardon my language. Her choice, her right. My choice, my right. Right? Who's to say which of us is worse off and which better?

Truth to tell, I was looking forward to going to TN and nursing my uncle Charles after his surgery. Just to get out of this god-damned house. Just to be myself for a little while. I hate it here sometimes. It would have been nice to be somewhere else for a while. Somewhere no one really knows me; where no one has any expectations of me... But I guess that's off now. His surgery got pushed back and now his old flame (drunk arsed ho) is coming to take care of him when he does have the surgery. More power to her. Hope she ain't looking for a big payout cause he's done gone and lost all his money. Poor man is broke now and where are all his good-time, party buddies now? Moved on to someone else who can afford to pay their tab. Well, well... ain't we just a holier-than-thou bitch tonight? Yep. I'll even say, "I told you so." So there.

I feel so small, so wadded up and crumpled. I feel all dingy, and drab, dusty. I wanna go somewhere else, do something different, be someone else. Be the person I was before I cared what other people (he) thought of me. Not even sure I remember who that person was. I know she liked herself much better than I like me. I just want to be clean again. Free and clean.

Bob Seger - Till It Shines

Thursday, March 20, 2008

My Life - The Musical

Heart - Magic Man

Tom Petty - American Girl

Cat Stevens - Wild World

Adam Ant - Wonderful

BabyFace - When can I See You Again

Eurythmics - It's Alright (Baby's Coming Back)

Jonny Lang - Breakin' Me

Shakira - Fool

Rob Thomas - Lonely No More

Janis Joplin - Piece Of My Heart

Now thats a fine looking man!

For all my Viggo fan friends, enjoy!

A bundle of flaws held together by chains of doubt

I know what I am. I am nothing if not flawed. I know I am not a good person. I'm not a "kiddie" person. I am a mother, an aunt, a step-grandmother, but I don't exactly like children. Especially other's people's children. I especially don't like it when other people insist that I pay attention to their child. Every frickin' time I encounter them. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. I already knew that about myself.

I also don't want to push myself in where I am not wanted. And I feel decidedly unwanted at my favorite place to hang out. So... I'll cry for a little while and I'll "lurk" there for a little while, then I'll get over it. I know I am a difficult person to get along with. I am inpatient, selfish, doubtful, stupid a lot of the time, scared, scarred, imperfect. A lot of the time I can't stand myself, why should I expect any one else to like me any better than I do? Oh well, "expect the worst and all surprises will be good ones..." Sucks, tho. I'd like to be able to expect good things every once in a while and see them come to fruition. Sadly, I am an imperfect vessel, unable to live up to other's expectations. Well, imperfect vessels have rights and feeling too. I have just as much right to my feelings as the next person. Flawed as I am, I even have the right to get upset when someone continually shoves her kid down my throat non-stop at my favorite place. Well... so be it. Get over it, move on. finio.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

And Sometimes I'm Just A Bitch

My head hurts, my legs hurt, my sugar won't go down... I want food that tastes good. Food that I didn't have to cook myself. I hate this crap! I hate feeling bad. It makes me cranky and bitchy. I don't even want to be around myself, I can't imagine I'm very good company for any one else. I feel real snarky and snarly. I feel real uncomfortable and like I'm maybe looking for someone to be rude to. I'm not that person. I don't like hurting other people's feelings. I'm non-confrontational in the extreme, but there it is... sometimes I'm just a bitch.

In other news, I called and got an appointment with Dr. Hogue for Tuesday, the 11th. I hope he will adjust my meds or something. I don't, don't, don't want to have to give myself shots of insulin, but I talked to my sister-in-law about it yesterday. She said there wasn't anything to it. She had to do insulin a couple of years ago before she went in for surgery, when they couldn't get her sugar down below 200. She said you can't even feel the shot. But still... the thought of it gives me the creeps. I can't stand the thought of it. I don't know if I could do that. Stick a needle in my stomach, I mean. I can't stand needles. I never watch when I have to get a shot or get blood work or anything like that. Okay, so I'm a sissy. Well... I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam...

Was watching VH1 Classics the other night and they were showing a composite of Marvin Gaye live performances. Wow! I always liked him, but dang! Sometimes you can forget after an artist has been gone for a while, what a wonderful career they had. He had such a marvelous voice. Like an angel, when it suited him to sound like one. And other times he could sound like a down and dirty soul man... no telling what wonders he could have performed if he hadn't been killed. Boggles the mind, really.

So... nothing really happening today. Just waiting around for Pete to get home from work and wondering what I'm gonna fix for supper. Everything just tastes the same anymore. Doesn't seem to matter what spices I use, what ethnic style I cook in, it's all the same. Food is not enjoyable to me at the present time. I can't stand eating on a schedule. Counting all the carbs, sugars, calories, etc. Having diabetes sure takes all the fun out of it. Sucks, sucks, sucks... and I feel a little 2 year old temper tantrum coming on. I want to jump up and down and stomp my feet and throw things. I want someone to come and kiss the booboo and make it all better and it ain't gonna happen and I hate knowing that. I hate knowing that this is how I'm going to be for the rest of my life. It ain't ever going away.

Okay, that's enough self-pity for one day. I'm gonna quit now. See you guys later.